| #1 Rule: Never insult the person who holds the dice.
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| 1st Rule of GMing... IF THEY SPLIT UP, GIGGLE INSANELY!
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| "A crucifix? Oy vey, have you got the wrong vampire!"
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| A fight to the death with a vampire has a few inherent problems....
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| A red dragon? I pull out my Wand of Marshmallows.
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| "Ahem," said the Dragon, killing the party.
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| Aluminum Dragons also do 3d6 of krinkle damage.
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| "And the wizard draws her two handed sword." "We're in trouble."
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| Asking a male Red Dragon, "Hey pal, got a light..." isn't a good idea
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| Attacked by Giant Lemmings - take 6d6 laughing damage.
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| Bad GM!: A PACK of tarrasques?!?
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| Bad GM!: A whole village of drow living in Evermeet... riiiight...
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| Bad GM!: All of the kobolds hit us, even with 25 AC EACH?
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| Bad GM!: Are we all being disintergrated, or is it just me?
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| Bad GM!: Aren't Radiant Dragons only found in SPACE?
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| Bad GM!: But I'm already DEAD!
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| Bad GM!: But the A-bomb hasn't been invented yet!
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| Bad GM!: Can we PUH-LEASE use store bought modules from now on?
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| Bad GM!: Each of the kobolds has a Wand of Orcus?!?
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| Bad GM!: Enemy wizards get no upper limit to their fireballs?
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| Bad GM!: Flaming Plasma Death is a spell?
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| Bad GM!: Gee, thanx. As if having two arms was challenging enough!
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| Bad GM!: He has a magic resistance of WHAT?!
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| Bad GM!: He hits, and... I'm gonna need some more dice!
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| Bad GM!: Hey! You're hogging the chips... What do you mean "I DIE??!?"
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| Bad GM!: How come that fireball only affects us and not the kobolds?
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| Bad GM!: How did BattleMechs get into this dungeon?
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| Bad GM!: How the hell's a GARGANTUA pursuing us in a 10' wide corridor?
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| Bad GM!: I didn't even know Zeus was mad at me.
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| Bad GM!: I didn't think ANYTHING did 40-400 points of damage...
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| Bad GM!: I don't think railguns have been invented yet.
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| Bad GM!: I missed with a natural 20?
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| Bad GM!: I need WHAT for a spell component?!?!
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| Bad GM!: I never heard of a Sword of Party Member Slaying.
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| Bad GM!: I think a mace is a handheld weapon, not a spray...
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| Bad GM!: I thought orcs had only 1 hit die?
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| Bad GM!: I was not aware that spells had a chance to backfire.
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| Bad GM!: Just how many 30th level wizards are there in this village?
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| Bad GM!: No seriously, how much damage did I take?
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| Bad GM!: Not another god to fight!
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| Bad GM!: Spontaneous Decompression is a spell?
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| Bad GM!: Swords and daggers are the only weapons available?!
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| Bad GM!: That's its 43rd attack, can we draw our swords now?
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| Bad GM!: That's okay, the spikes broke his fall.
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| Bad GM!: That's one tough kobold...
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| Bad GM!: Tinker gnomes invented Uzis?
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| Bad GM!: Until now, I didn't know arch-devils travelled in groups.
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| Bad GM!: We should have become farmers.
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| Bad GM!: We were surprised by a 55' dinosaur hiding in an empty field?
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| Bad GM!: What do you mean 'the devil ate my soul'??
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| Bad GM!: What do you mean 'bend over if I want the magic sword'??
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| Bad GM!: You don't use saving throws?
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| Bad GM!: You're rolling 10d20 for random encounters!?
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| Beware of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
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| "Bother," said Pooh, as Cthulhu rose up and ate him.
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| "Bother," said Pooh, as Dracula enfolded him in his cape.
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| "Bother," said Pooh, as he failed another melee combat roll.
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| "Bother," said Pooh, as he had no reflection in the mirror.
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| Cry, "Shhhh!" and slip quietly out the Dragon's door...
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| Death is merely a chance to roll a new character.
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| "Ding dong, the Lich is dead." "Of COURSE it's DEAD!"
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| Do not anger a Bard, for you are silly and would make a funny song.
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| Dragons again? I activate my +6 St. George Surface-to-Air Missile.
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| Dragons aren't extinct, they've just learned to hide in books.
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| Dragons make great pets. Just put down LOTS of newspaper.
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| Dragonslayer needed. No experience expected.
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| Ever wonder how wizards learn Power Word Kill?
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| Everything I Needed To Know, I Learned on Dungeon Level 0.
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| Famous Last Words: "+25 to hit, +30 damage? YOU GO FIRST!"
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| Famous Last Words: "...and you're UGLY, too!"
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| Famous Last Words: "12 Death Knights? I close the door..."
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| Famous Last Words: "A 25th level wizard/cleric? I pinch her butt!"
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| Famous Last Words: "A lich, huh? No problem; I steal his spellbook."
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| Famous Last Words: "Am I seeing things or is that a dragon?"
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| Famous Last Words: "At least, lightning never strikes twice..."
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| Famous Last Words: "Aw... isn't that the cutest little Snarf Beast?"
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| Famous Last Words: "Beholder, beschmolder. Let me at it!"
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| Famous Last Words: "Brak? That's a stupid name for a barbarian."
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| Famous Last Words: "But it's only a LITTLE red dragon."
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| Famous Last Words: "But it's ONLY an Eye Tyrant..."
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| Famous Last Words: "C'MON GUYS! LET'S SHOW HER WHO'S BOSS!"
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| Famous Last Words: "C'mon GM, let's see some REAL monsters!"
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| Famous Last Words: "Can I have a succubus for a familiar?"
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| Famous Last Words: "Can my sword talk to your axe?"
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| Famous Last Words: "Dammit, this thing won't die!"
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| Famous Last Words: "Damn, Tiamat - you're one UGLY dragon..."
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| Famous Last Words: "Did I REALLY???"
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| Famous Last Words: "Don't worry, I can handle it."
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| Famous Last Words: "Don't worry, it doesn't bite..."
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| Famous Last Words: "Don't worry, it doesn't eat meat..."
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| Famous Last Words: "Dragon HORDE? I thought y'said Dragon HOARD!"
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| Famous Last Words: "Dragon? What dragon?"
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| Famous Last Words: "Forget Demigorgon - I want that gold..."
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| Famous Last Words: "Forget picking the lock, just kick the door down!"
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| Famous Last Words: "Glad that's over. I'm taking off my armor."
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| Famous Last Words: "Go ahead! I dare you!"
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| Famous Last Words: "Ha! I NEVER pay income tax!"
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| Famous Last Words: "Have I ever let you down before?"
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| Famous Last Words: "Heck, I could beat Elminster ANYDAY!"
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| Famous Last Words: "Here, let me show you."
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| Famous Last Words: "Hey, Cthulhu! Eat me!"
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| Famous Last Words: "Hey, Dragon - got a light?"
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| Famous Last Words: "Hey, I know a dragon when I see one."
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| Famous Last Words: "How many hit points do I have? Let me check."
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| Famous Last Words: "I bet it's an illusion."
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| Famous Last Words: "I didn't think ANYTHING did 40-400 hp damage."
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| Famous Last Words: "I disarmed the trap."
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| Famous Last Words: "I don't see any archers..."
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| Famous Last Words: "I drank WHAT?"
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| Famous Last Words: "I found the TRAAAAaaaaaaaapppp!"
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| Famous Last Words: "I go up to the Lich and try to pick his pocket."
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| Famous Last Words: "I got bit by a what?"
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| Famous Last Words: "I know that's an illusionary dragon!"
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| Famous Last Words: "I lit the emergency candle. Why is it hissing?"
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| Famous Last Words: "I missed with a natural 20?"
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| Famous Last Words: "I never heard of a Sword of Party Slaying."
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| Famous Last Words: "I pay my taxes in copper pieces..."
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| Famous Last Words: "I snap the staff in two..."
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| Famous Last Words: "I think it's dead..."
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| Famous Last Words: "I think the dragon's asleep..."
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| Famous Last Words: "I thought YOU silenced the guard!"
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| Famous Last Words: "I wait until I can see its eyes..."
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| Famous Last Words: "I want to challenge my god to a duel..."
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| Famous Last Words: "I'm not afraid..."
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| Famous Last Words: "It's dangerous, but think of the XPs!"
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| Famous Last Words: "It's not poisonous..."
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| Famous Last Words: "It's perfectly safe. Let me show you..."
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| Famous Last Words: "Let's not worry about that now..."
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| Famous Last Words: "Lets goose that sleeping dragon!"
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| Famous Last Words: "Lolth, Schmolth. Get Ms. Ugly outa my way!"
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| Famous Last Words: "Lookie that li'l bunny sittin' on the stump"
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| Famous Last Words: "Magic users are WIMPS!"
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| Famous Last Words: "Make me! I dare you..."
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| Famous Last Words: "Mongols? I don' see no Mo-" <THWEEEeeeCHUNK!>
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| Famous Last Words: "NOTHING does 50-500 points of damage!"
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| Famous Last Words: "Naw - it's just sleeping..."
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| Famous Last Words: "No one ever died from it..."
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| Famous Last Words: "No true wizard ever breaks his word."
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| Famous Last Words: "Nope. No trap on THIS chest..."
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| Famous Last Words: "Nothing can penetrate this armor!"
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| Famous Last Words: "Nothing ever happens on the first level."
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| Famous Last Words: "Of course I searched for traps."
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| Famous Last Words: "Oh man, this is a WUSSY dungeon!"
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| Famous Last Words: "Oh shit!"
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| Famous Last Words: "Oh, don't be so paranoid..."
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| Famous Last Words: "One skeleton? No problem..."
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| Famous Last Words: "Oooops..."
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| Famous Last Words: "Ow! Where have I put my vorpal sword?!"
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| Famous Last Words: "Relax. Nothing ever happens at first level."
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| Famous Last Words: "Right, and I'm the Prince of Thieves..."
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| Famous Last Words: "So what good is a ring of Cthulhu control?"
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| Famous Last Words: "Stand back you wimps - I will kill it!"
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| Famous Last Words: "That could never happen here"
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| Famous Last Words: "That's its 43rd attack, can I draw my sword now?"
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| Famous Last Words: "That's not a Beholder. It's a Spectator..."
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| Famous Last Words: "That's one HELL of a tan, Miss Glasya..."
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| Famous Last Words: "The GM won't let us die!"
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| Famous Last Words: "The GM's an idiot."
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| Famous Last Words: "Then we just clip this little wire here..."
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| Famous Last Words: "They're JUST kobolds. What're you scared of?"
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| Famous Last Words: "This dungeon is a pushover."
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| Famous Last Words: "This is an easy dungeon."
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| Famous Last Words: "This is the safe way to do it..."
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| Famous Last Words: "This looks like a safe place to camp."
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| Famous Last Words: "This should be easy"
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| Famous Last Words: "This trap is too simple."
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| Famous Last Words: "Those Orcs couldn't hit an elephant at this range."
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| Famous Last Words: "Trolls are wimps! Nyah, nyah, nyah!"
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| Famous Last Words: "Trolls regenerate?"
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| Famous Last Words: "Trust me! I'm an expert!"
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| Famous Last Words: "Was I the only one who heard that click?"
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| Famous Last Words: "Watch me goose that sleeping dragon!"
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| Famous Last Words: "We hire Orcus to be our guide "
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| Famous Last Words: "We really didn't need a Cleric anyway."
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| Famous Last Words: "We should have become farmers..."
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| Famous Last Words: "Well, I think that's the last of them..."
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| Famous Last Words: "What do you mean I hit with negative damage?"
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| Famous Last Words: "What pit?"
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| Famous Last Words: "What's a 'pantheon' and why is it mad at me?"
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| Famous Last Words: "What's the worse that town can do? Lynch us?"
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| Famous Last Words: "Where'd that arrow come from?"
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| Famous Last Words: "Why is the GM laughing?"
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| Famous Last Words: "You and what army?"
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| Famous Last Words: "You saw a WHAT around the corner?"
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| GM Advice: Used character sheets make good tinder.
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| "Hi! I'm a Nameless Horror, but you can call me Fred!"
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| I found an immortality spell with a lifetime guarantee!
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| I laugh in the face of danger! Then I hide until it goes away.
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| "I want a dragon as a familiar."
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| "I'd rather be eaten by a dragon." "That can be arranged."
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| "If that bard starts singing '100 Bottles of Beer' again..."
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| In gaming theory, life's a die, and then you bitch.
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| It is unwise to meddle in the affairs of wizards.
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| It's only 1,000 pts of damage. It's not like it's going to kill you.
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| Jesus saves - Moses invests - Cthulhu squanders
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| Meddle not in the affairs of dragons.
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| Mistake #01: Insulting anything twice your size
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| Mistake #04: Keeping your magical items within reach of children
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| Mistake #08: Giving your GM a d100 when he rolls to-hit
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| Mistake #10: Scratching your back with a dagger of venom
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| Mistake #29: Vandalizing the wizard's guild
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| Mistake #30: Torturing a deity's favorite cleric
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| Mistake #31: Grabbing the GM's bag of chips
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| Mistake #41: Teaching a barbarian how to cast lightning bolts
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| Mistake #42: Being knighted with a Sword of Life Stealing
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| Mistake #43: Lifting up the veil at a Medusa wedding
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| Mistake #44: Breaking into a strange tower surrounded by mist
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| Mistake #50: Assuming anything
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| Mistake #51: Forgetting to chip into the GM's pizza fund
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| Mistake #52: Going to the bathroom during a battle
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| Mistake #59: Looking for the beauty in the eye of a beholder
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| Mistake #70: Taking sleep-therapy classes from a vampire
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| Monsters sleep because you are boring, not because they ever get tired.
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| Munchkins cast Control Cthulhu.
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| "Natural 20!" - Player "Miss!" - GM "Uh oh..." - Player
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| Naughty dragon! You spank him!!!!!
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| Never play freeze tag with a White Dragon.
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| Never trust a barmaid that smiles through 5 o'clock shadow.
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| Never trust a smiling bard dating your only daughter.
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| Never trust a smiling crone holding a philter of love.
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| Never trust a smiling dragon picking its teeth with a two-handed sword.
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| Never trust a smiling GM.
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| Never trust a smiling succubus holding a pot of lip rouge.
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| Never trust a smiling thief throwing dice.
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| Never trust a smiling tinker gnome in a chastity belt store.
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| "Never trust anything you can eat." - Old dragon proverb
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| No one likes a beast with an attitude... or a dragon with a chest-cold.
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| "Of course I'm a wizard, son. I've got a tall pointy hat!"
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| Oxymoron: A vampire named Dawn.
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| Political Correctness: Chaotic Evil characters are now "moral relativists".
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| Political Correctness: Cursed is now "displaying a non-beneficial magical aura".
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| Political Correctness: NPCs - henceforth referred to as "free-will impaired".
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| Political Correctness: NPCs - henceforth referred to as "persons of limited destiny".
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| Political Correctness: Peasants are now "people of limited resources".
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| Political Correctness: Thieves are now "agents of economic redistribution".
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| Political Correctness: Trap doors are now "artifically-induced unstable floors".
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| Political Correctness: Treasure is now "exploitation of the previously conquered".
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| Remember, sometimes the dragon wins.
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| Sometimes, the best magic wand is a 2X4, well wielded...
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| Speak softly and carry The Staff of the Archmage.
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| "That's okay, the spikes broke his fall."
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| The DragonKill War is named for what the dragons DID!
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| The Dyslexic Bard: Master-of-all-trades, jack of none.
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| The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
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| "What're you going to do," laughed the dragon, "arrest me for smoking?"
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| When in doubt, FIREBALL!
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| Wizards don't kill people! SPELLS kill people! |